Two steps forward, one step back
by Ken's luver
Summary: Sequel to 'Not Crazy' Ken is having trouble with the negative thoughts that his parents bring out in him, is therapy really helping(complete)
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon, and I don't have much money, so don't sue me please!  
  
(A/N: Okay, Neko, you asked for a sequel, and now I will give you one. I finally got inspiration for it. Music and things in my life strike me with inspiration, and I like to write what I know and experience. So I hope you enjoy this one, I'm not sure if I will only make it one chapter or make it continue, but we'll see what happens. Also thanks to everyone who reviewed for that one, and thanks Tashana Ambrosia for the great review, to answer your question, no I haven't read 'I can hear the morning dove' but I will definitely look out for it, I'm sure I would enjoy it. I think I am going to keep this in the first person, since this is Ken's story and this is his head. Also, to those of you who haven't read 'Not Crazy', I think it would make more sense if you read it before reading this one, but hey, whatever bakes your biscuit. *Raises her eyebrow at that last line* I have to stop hanging out with my fellow drama students. ^-~)  
  
"Two steps forward one step back"  
  
  
  
"Ken? Ken? Earth to Ken, come in Ken."  
  
I snap my head back to the lavender haired girl across from me. Idiot, I did it again, I zoned out on her, got lost in my thoughts. We are supposed to be on a date and I might as well have fallen asleep on the table. I bring my gaze back to hers and she smiles sweetly at me. I sigh, "I'm sorry Yolei, I was…"  
  
"Thinking. I know. Don't worry, I understand. I just wish you could let me hear your thoughts sometimes."  
  
I drop my head down to glare into the half empty coffee mug, and let my indigo hair spill in front of my eyes, this is my wall, this is how I try to hide. How pathetic. "I wish it was easy to tell you."  
  
She reaches across the table and brushes back a few strands of my hair and tucks them behind my ear. I swallow and look up at her again, "How's therapy going?"  
  
I shrug at the question, "Okay I guess. I have mixed feelings about it. I want to talk, but other times I just want to be left alone."  
  
"But it's helping right?"  
  
I think about that for a moment, is it? Is it really? In a way, yeah, I guess it is, but…  
  
"Ken-chan?"  
  
There I go again, drifting off, leaving her alone, "Sorry, it's just…well, I guess yes it is helping, but it's them Yolei, they make it worse."  
  
She knits her brows together and questions me, "Who?"  
  
I sigh, "My parents."  
  
~~~~****~~~~  
  
I head back up to the door of my apartment. I hate to be alone, without Yolei, but it was getting late and I was clearly not much for conversation tonight. A heavy breath escaped my mouth as I pulled out the key from my pocket and pushed it into the lock. Closing the door behind me, I slip off my shoes and step into my slippers. "I'm home." I call, and see my mother peek her head out of the kitchen and my father get up from the TV area.  
  
"Did you have fun Ken?" My mother asks me.  
  
Fun? Yeah, sort of, until I had to come back here. I nod my head and go into my room to get ready for bed.  
  
~~~~****~~~~  
  
This is another thing I savor, time with my friends. We usually organize a picnic on a Friday after school, and today the weather smiled on us. The sky is a vivid baby blue, with not one fluffy, white cloud disturbing it. I always worry that a thunderous cloud will come and interfere with our plans and split us apart. We're in the park, sitting on the lush, green grass. I'm leaning against a large Ash tree, drinking up the wonderful feeling of piece in my mind. Yolei has her head resting in my lap and I absent- mindedly stroke her soft, perfumed hair, letting it cascade over my fingers. Her eyes are closed and her breathing is rhythmic, it's so shallow, it puts me in a trance. This is it; I'm happy, right now, for these precious moments, I'm happy.  
  
I sense a ball roll over to my feet. A black and white one. Davis has kicked it towards me and is grinning at me. "Wanna play?"  
  
I give him a playful, wicked smile, "You sure you want to loose?"  
  
He chuckles and motions for me to get up. "Kari is on my team."  
  
Tk gives him an indignant look, and shouts, "So am I Davis!"  
  
"Oh, yeah, so is TL."  
  
I roll my eyes and gently nudge Yolei to get up as well. She sits up and brushes herself off, "I guess that would mean Cody and I are on your team, huh Ken?"  
  
I nod and lead them to the open ground where we will play.  
  
~~*~~  
  
I'm not sure how much time has past, but I really don't care. This is the most fun I have ever had playing soccer. Not because I am winning, but because it's just for fun, fun with my friends, and there is no time for any negative thoughts to enter my head.  
  
We stop now; everyone is laughing at the score and going over the plays of the game. It's time for me to go. Yolei hugs me and brushes her lips on mine. I love it when she does that; it gives me a tingling feeling all over, and makes me warm when I am so cold. I wave goodbye and start walking to the train station.  
  
When I get home, my parents are waiting at the table; I'm late for dinner. My father has an angry expression on his face. "Where were you?"  
  
"I'm sorry, I lost track of time and had to wait for another train…"  
  
"We were worried sick! We thought you had run away again, or something had happened to you."  
  
Yes, slap that in my face AGAIN, shall we! They are constantly reminding me of when I ran away and how it made them feel. Yes I feel bad about it, and extremely guilty, but I can't take it back, and they can't move past it, just like they can't move past Osamu.  
  
"Well, I'm fine and I'm sorry, it won't happen again."  
  
My mother joins the conversation, "Your teacher phoned today Ken. He said that you fell asleep in class today, and your grades are slipping. Is there anything wrong Ken?"  
  
No, nothing is wrong, I'm perfectly fine, that's why I tried to kill myself by slicing open my wrists. Oh and the nightmares don't bother me either, so no, other than the fact that his class is incredibly boring, I'm just fine. "No, I'm just tired that's all."  
  
I'm getting very good at sarcasm, well, non-vocalized sarcasm that is.  
  
"Are you sure." My father is trying to bore into my head with his stare. "I mean Ken, it's not good that you are sleeping in class, you will miss important things. And well, that would explain the grades that are slipping, maybe you are spending too much time in the Digital world with your friends, when you should be doing homework?"  
  
I shut my eyes and shrug, how am I supposed to answer that? I hate school and now he wants to take away the one thing that keeps me sane (well, less insane shall we say)? I can't believe that fool. I mentally gasp, you see? You see what they do to me, they bring out all those negative, bad thoughts in me. I hate the way they make me feel.  
  
We don't talk much after that and I long for my bedroom, where I can be alone with my friend, Wormmon.  
  
~~~~****~~~~  
  
-Two days later-  
  
Something wakes me up in the morning, I'm not sure what it is, but without fail, it wakes me. It's not my mother or father, or Wormmon, I think it's me. I lye there, not really wanting to go to school. That would mean I would have to face all those people again. All those people who hate me, or find it amusing to make my life a living hell. Well, I deserve it, don't I?  
  
"Ken-chan?"  
  
I turn over to face my partner; he always looks so concerned for me. I always feel guilty when I look at him. For a while, I tried so hard to avoid looking at him, until one day he asked me why I did that and he told me that he forgave me. It helped a bit, but I haven't forgiven my self for what I did, not yet, not ever.  
  
"Yes Wormmon?"  
  
"Are you going to see that doctor today?"  
  
I nod my head as I climb down the ladder that leads to my bed. Yawning, I gather my clothes and head for the bathroom to take a shower.  
  
Do you ever have those days where you just know that this day is gonna be a bad one? Well that's exactly how I feel right now. And no matter how positive I try to be, I just know that it's gonna be piled on thick today.  
  
~~~~****~~~~  
  
I was right you know. Today was a bad day. I got the result of a test I wrote a few days ago. I didn't do too good, not bad, but not what I used to get and I know it will disappoint them. My parents that is. The sound of someone snickering as I walk past catches my attention and I turn to face them. Bad idea.  
  
"So Ichijouji, how does it feel to be a has-been?"  
  
It's a boy around my age, in my class I think. He asked that question in much the same way a reporter would have. That was the idea I think. I turn back around and shrug. But he persists.  
  
"Oh, we still aren't good enough for your time are we? Well, you know what Ichijouji? You are a no body! Not any more you aren't. You are just a sad, dead shell of a person who wanted to fill his brothers' shoes, but found that they were too big for him and so tripped in them."  
  
I stop to listen to that, and as each word hit my ears, I seethe with hate. It is all true. Every word he speaks is true. I want to hit him. I want to make him shut up, but I decide against it. Instead I walk away. But the voice in my head carries on, echoing the words in my head. I tell it to shut up, but it ignores my pleas.  
  
'He's so right you know. No matter how hard you try, you will never be enough to please them, to make them happy.'  
  
'But when do I get to be happy?'  
  
'Never. You don't deserve to be happy. Terrible people like you don't deserve friends, love and happiness. You made your bed Ken, now you lye in it till you die! You are a worthless, pathetic, excuse for a human being.'  
  
'Shut up!'  
  
'You think they care about you? They wish you were him, Osamu, the real son of the Ichijouji family. You are the one who should have died.'  
  
'Shut. Up.'  
  
'You know that's what they think right? They wish you were the one who died not him…'  
  
"SHUT UP!" I scream aloud and clutch my head. I know the people around me think I'm mad, but I don't care. I hate that voice, it consumes me, it's the one I heard that day I tried to kill myself.  
  
I run home, trying not to think. If I think, he will butt in and drag me down into my negative thoughts. My shrink, Lee, told me to try and stay positive.  
  
~~~~****~~~~  
  
It's late now; I just came home from therapy and can smell dinner.  
  
"Ken! Dinner!" My mother calls and I walk over to the table. My eyes are heavy and I really don't feel like talking to them. I know they will pry, but I have talked enough today.  
  
"So dear, how was school today?"  
  
I drop my head, letting my hair cover my eyes, which are shut tight. Then I slowly open them again and look up at my mother, "Fine." I sigh.  
  
"Did you get the results to that test back yet?"  
  
My father ladies and gentlemen, he knows just what to say to make me go from the feeling, bad, to worse. I wordlessly nod my head.  
  
"And?"  
  
I grit my teeth, why is this so important to him? It's a stupid test that really means nothing! "86 percent."  
  
I hear him let out the smallest of sighs, "Oh, well, well done Ken."  
  
Translation: "Oh, well that's not what Osamu would have gotten."  
  
I shrug and try to avoid their eyes. My mother places a plate of food in front of me and says, "Here you are Ken, liver, squash and lumpy mash potato, your favorite."  
  
I narrow my eyes under my hair and grind my teeth, anger rising up in me. My thoughts are interrupted by my mothers' highly annoyingly cheery voice, "Is something wrong dear, you haven't touched your meal."  
  
I stand up with such a force that I knock my chair over and spill a glass of juice on the table. "NO! This is NOT my favorite! It was Osamu's! I hate liver and I hate mash potatoes!"  
  
My mother looks at me with teary eyes, "Oh, I'm so sorry Ken, I didn't know…"  
  
"NO you didn't! You never even bothered to find out what my favorite food is! I don't even know, I don't know who I am and I don't know what I like!"  
  
My father is angry now, he always did have a sort temper, "Ken! How dare you talk to your mother that way?"  
  
You don't understand, this is what has been bubbling up inside me for years, and because of you I can't escape those feelings and thoughts. The thoughts of thinking you are fools and how I would rather be in the digital world than here with you.  
  
"What's wrong dad? You wanted to know what was wrong, how I was feeling, what I talk about when I go to the shrink! Unhappy with what you are hearing?"  
  
I'm pushing it, I know it, but right now I feel so damn defiant.  
  
"Enough! You apologize to your mother right now!"  
  
"Apologize? For what? Telling you how I feel? NO! You wanted to know how I feel, so now you are gonna hear it! You always pushed me! You wanted Osamu back and so I tried to be him for you! But I'm not him, I never was and everything was just never good enough for you! I tried so damn hard and you never once said, 'Well done son, good try.' I lost myself! You wanna know where I went when I ran away? I went as far away from you people as possible! You know why? Because I hate the way you make me feel! I hate the way you make me beat myself up! I hate the way you look at me and wish I was HIM! I HATE YOU!"  
  
That was it. That did it, that took my fathers temper to new heights. I see it coming, but can't stop it. I can't stop his hand from arching and swinging into a backhand slap against my face. It makes a horrible smack as it connects and I stubble and fall to the floor. I slowly raise my head to look at him through narrow eyes. There is blood in my mouth, I can taste it. Still staring at him, I push myself to my feet and move to the bathroom. Not a word is spoken, but I can hear my mother's cries from behind the closed door.  
  
I lean over the basin and look into the mirror. There is a whelp on my cheekbone already and my lip is split. The blood is from a bite that happened on impact. I stare at my reflection. 'Nice going.' I close my eyes and slip to the floor, holding my knees to my chest. 'How could I do that, how could I say those things?'  
  
'It's what you felt.'  
  
'But I don't hate them all the time. And I know it's not all their fault. Now they really hate me.'  
  
'Yup, afraid so, you know you should have just died back then the first time. Then non-of this would have happened. You wouldn't be whimpering in here, beating yourself up for telling them the truth.'  
  
'Leave me alone.'  
  
I get up and wash my face. My eyes are so tired and drooping. I look, what did you say Yolei, oh yeah, 'Broken'.  
  
I open the door to the bathroom and quietly move to my room. Wormmon looks down at me from my bed. Concern etched on his face.  
  
"I heard a lot of shouting. Ken-chan what happened?"  
  
"I got in a fight with my parents."  
  
He hops off the bed and into my arms and nuzzles me. I fall to the ground, shaking with dry tears. "I'm slipping Wormmon. I feel him rising up in me."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"The Emperor. When I can't stand my parents. When they make me angry at them, he is there, echoing in my head, saying they are fools and how much I wish I was away from them."  
  
"Is he right?"  
  
I frown at the question, my gaze drifting to the city skyline. "Sometimes, yes. I think he is the most honest person too."  
  
I move to the door, clutching Wormmon to my chest as I open it. "I'm going out!" I yell and before I can hear protest from my father, I leave the front door, carrying my shoes and putting them on in the elevator.  
  
"Ken-chan, where are we going?"  
  
"To someone who wants to listen. I need to talk, before I do something I will regret."  
  
I reach her apartment and head to her door. I knock three times, and one of her sisters answers the door. "Is Yolei home, please?"  
  
She nods and lets me in. I slip off my shoes and am lead to her room. Her sister knocks on the door, "Yolei! Ken's here!"  
  
I hear her answer, "Okay!" And then the sound of her door opening. She looks at me and smiles brightly. But for some reason, her beautiful face makes me incredibly sad, instead of the usual euphoria I feel when I am with her. She sees the look on my face and pulls me into her room, shutting the door behind her. I put Wormmon down and he lets us be 'alone'. She turns to face me, and frowns at the whelp on my cheek, it's already started to bruise, I know it has. She gently touches it and looks back into my eyes, "Who did this?"  
  
I find myself unable to answer, my voice is caught in my throat and my lip is trebling. My breathing becomes shallow and quick and tears finally cascade like raindrops from a cloud that has been holding a storm in for far too long. She wraps her arms around me and we drop to our knees. My head is now resting on her forehead and we stay like that for what feels like years passing in a second. Time froze for us and when I was ready, I pulled away just enough to be able to looked into her brown eyes. "I can't take it anymore."  
  
"Living with your parents?"  
  
She knew me well, considering that I hardly knew me. I nod my head once. "I'm fine most times, but then there are just other times when everything they do and say drives me nuts. And they make me feel horrible about myself. I just want it to stop. The one minute I'm happy and then they ruin it for me."  
  
"Two steps forward, one step back, huh?"  
  
I nodded at her remark.  
  
"Ken, I can't say I know how you feel, but I can say that I love you and that no matter what, I will be there for you. Through the highs and lows. You can talk to me anytime." She traced the bruise again; "He did this didn't he?"  
  
Again I nod.  
  
"It makes me so angry that he doesn't know you. And when you try to tell him, it isn't what he wants to hear."  
  
"We had a fight and I said some horrible things Yolei, things I don't think I can take back. But for some reason I'm not sorry about saying them."  
  
"Well, then it was the truth, Ken-chan. And they needed to hear it."  
  
"But I told them that I hate them. Is that the truth, Yolei?"  
  
She sighs, "At the time, maybe. You don't hate them all the time, but you are human Ken, and not perfect. Trust me, there are times when I hate my family, but not all the time and hating them sometimes is alright."  
  
I nod, taking it all in. Our attention is instantly directed at the door. My name was said, by, my father!  
  
The door opens as Yolei's sister opens it and my father looks into the room. He spots me, and my tear stained face, Yolei holding me, and he glares. "Come here Ken."  
  
I swallow, get up, pick up Wormmon and walk over to the door.  
  
"We are going home, you owe your mother an apology."  
  
The ride home is the worst. I gaze out at the speeding scenery, wishing I could be out there, instead of in here, next to my father.  
  
"I'm sorry Ken."  
  
I spin my head to face him, "Huh?"  
  
"For hitting you. It was wrong, but you just got me so mad, all those things, you didn't mean them did you?"  
  
"Actually, yes, at that very second, that's how I felt."  
  
"You hated me?"  
  
"…Yes. I'm sorry, but it's just how you make me feel sometimes." I can't believe I just said that.  
  
Silence. For the rest of the trip home anyway. When we reach the door I am guided to the TV area where my mother is. I see her blotchy face red from crying and can't help but break down myself, "I'm sorry mama." I mumble as I embrace her.  
  
"Me too, sweetie, me too."  
  
~~~~****~~~~  
  
I lye awake in bed, thinking of the day. And as tears crawl down my cheeks and onto my pillow, I know that one-day, something will happen to change all this. The darkness will tug and pull at me and I will surrender to it. Or the voice in my head will succeed in convincing me to do a proper job in ending my life. Or Yolei will be the one other thing in my life that binds me to this world. (Wormmon is the first). At the moment, that is what she is. She is my everything, my anchor, my rope, which holds me to this world. If something were to happen to her, one of the things I mentioned will happen, maybe even both. The darkness will come and I will let it, and then death will call my name and I will embrace it with arms wide open. But for now, I live my life as it comes, school, my parents, therapy, Yolei, Wormmon, Davis, the voice, the darkness, the light, all of it.  
  
"Two steps forward, one step back. Story of my life. Good night Wormmon."  
  
"Good night, Ken-chan."  
  
----~~~~----  
  
Nic: Well, I doubt I will continue with this one. Maybe a sequel to this one too, but I'm not sure, what do you readers think.  
  
Ken: No, 'cause I know you will torture me, and to be honest I don't like them being able to hear my thoughts.  
  
Nic: Don't be silly Ken-chan.  
  
Wormmon: Yeah, we would all love to hear what goes on in your head.  
  
Kaiser: What about what goes on in my head?  
  
Nic: Now, there's something scary. Hmm, maybe I will write a story of when you were trying to rule the Digiworld and we'll delve into your head.  
  
Kaiser: On second thought, I don't like that idea.  
  
Osamu: Ha, baby.  
  
Ken: Shut up Osamu, you don't know what it's like.  
  
Osamu: Sorry Kenny-boy.  
  
Nic: Well, I hope you enjoyed that, and let me know what you think.  
  
Ken: It's time for muses pile on!  
  
Nic: A what?  
  
Osamu, Ken, Wormmon, Kaiser: *All pounce on top of Nic and bury her, then grab pillows and start beating each other with them.*  
  
Nic: o.O; *Shakes her head and joins the pillow fight* 


	2. 'song'

The song 'For you' by Staind, influenced this one.  
  
To my mother, to my father,  
  
It's you son or it's you daughter  
  
Are my screams loud enough for you to hear me?  
  
Should I turn this up for you?  
  
I sit here locked inside my head,  
  
Remembering everything you've said.  
  
This silence gets us nowhere!  
  
Gets us nowhere way to fast!  
  
The silence is what kills me  
  
I need someone to help me  
  
But you don't know how to listen  
  
And let me make my decisions  
  
'Cause I sit here locked inside my head, remembering everything you've said  
  
The silence gets us nowhere!  
  
Gets us nowhere way too fast!  
  
All your insults and your curses make me feel like I'm not a person  
  
And I feel like I am nothing but  
  
You made me so do something  
  
Because I'm fucked up, because you are  
  
Need attention, attention you couldn't give  
  
I sit here, locked inside my head  
  
Remembering everything you said  
  
This silence gets us nowhere!  
  
Gets us nowhere way to fast! 


End file.
